Toxic guilt, as the name implies, is poisonous, and religious people are more often prone to toxic guilt than others. What is toxic guilt and why might religious people be more vulnerable to it?
Guilt is the feeling that you've done something wrong. Healthy guilt is a good thing. It helps us learn right from wrong and teaches us compassion for other people. However guilt can have a dark side. Toxic guilt, somewhat like cancer, is healthy guilt gone awry. Just as cancer develops when normal cells morph into invasive, destructive cells that multiply excessively and interfere with physiological function, toxic guilt develops when good guilt grows out of control and interferes with healthy psychological functions.
Not everyone has toxic guilt; those who do tend to be "good" people. Most of us need to think of ourselves as a good person and that's a good thing. Being good means we obey the law, fulfill our obligations, and are considerate of other people. But for some people, the need to be good all the time and in every situation controls everything. All their decisions are based upon doing what they consider to be the "right thing". How can that be a problem? It is a problem when being good and doing the right thing controls your life. People with toxic guilt are so preoccupied with being good that they do not live life on their own terms.
"Goodness" is defined by the cultures in which you live-family, neighborhood, community, nationality-and certainly by your religious community or faith tradition. When religious people have trouble believing what they think they should believe, or fall short of their faith community's rules of proper conduct, they may feel they have failed God and are less than good. Toxic guilt, the pervasive feeling of not being good enough, thrives in this environment.
The perceived character or image of God influences toxic guilt. Religious people who think of God as rigid and one dimensional tend to see God as chronically displeased, a grumpy old man scanning the earth for souls who mess up; God is the rule-keeper in the sky that expects obedience and punishes wrongdoers. If you see God like this, no wonder you feel guilty all the time! Religious people who see God as flexible and multidimensional may feel guilty when they fall short of what they think God wants and expects, but they are less apt to be consumed with toxic guilt because characteristics such as forgiveness, compassion, and understanding are incorporated into to their perception of God.
Failed expectations of what God could, would, or should do in the life of a believer cause some people to doubt, to be disappointed, or to disbelieve. Even worse, the believer whose expectations are not met often thinks the fault lies with him or her: if I had been more faithful, a better person, more loving, or more giving, God would have acted in my favor. This thinking is ideal soil for growing and cultivating toxic guilt.
Some people who are religious think their faith should be so strong that they shouldn't question anything. When they do have doubts and questions, they feel guilty and think something about them is lacking. Even worse, they may feel that God is displeased with them because their faith is weak, and feel guilty about that.
Religious tenets about divorce illustrate the relationship between religion and guilt. Most of the leading world religions, including Christianity, have prohibitions against divorce. Yet many, many people of faith are divorced or long to be divorced. Some divorced people feel guilty for years about having gone against their religious teachings, while others who long to escape their marriages stay trapped in them
for the rest of their lives because the guilt of breaking the divorce prohibition is too much to bear.
If you are among the many religious people who are divorced, or who would like to be divorced, how do you reconcile the reality of your life with the dictates of your faith? I think it is helpful to compare the prohibition against divorce to your concept of God. If you understand God as a compassionate being who has no desire for people to be miserable, you may have some flexibility in the way you regard divorce.
If you are a Christian, you know that a great deal of the life of Christ was about liberating people from oppression of all types-including disease, death, and guilt. Oppression can also occur in relationships. When friendships go sour, business relationships fail, and love relationships fall apart, oppression is often at least part of
the problem. Although one hopes for and expects much more in important and intimate relationships such as marriage, it doesn't always happen that way.
In the Christian tradition, among others, marriage is a commitment to be honored for life. But what if a marriage is characterized by unhappiness and oppression for one or both partners? I believe that when a marital relationship subjugates either partner, keeping him or her from being free to become fully and completely the person God
created him or her to be, the rules change. I do not believe that God would continue to sanction a union that held any person hostage.
Faithful followers of most of the world's religions could probably
agree that the essence of God is compassion. Divine compassion is so powerful, so sweet, so inclusive, and so abiding that we mortals cannot begin to comprehend it. Certainly, divine compassion is greater than yours or mine. Yet as fl awed and imperfect as my compassion is, I love my children and want them to be happy and fulfilled in life. If my daughter or son was oppressed, dishonored, or just plain miserable in a marriage, and had done everything possible to salvage the relationship, I would give my permission-if not outright encouragement-for my child to leave the relationship. I could not, and do not, worship a God whose compassion is less than mine. I can't imagine (and could not worship) a God who would place the marriage vow above the health and happiness of the human beings in the marriage.
If you think toxic guilt has a grip on you because of your faith tradition or religious community, I hope you will consider learning about the nature of toxic guilt and exploring a plan for escape. Religion should help you bridge the gap between the seen and the unseen, the finite and the infinite, the known and the unknown. It should not make you a prisoner of rules and regulations for being "good".
Susan Carrell is a Licensed Professional Counselor, an R.N., a former Chaplain and author of Escaping Toxic Guilt - 5 Proven Steps to Free Yourself from Guilt for Good (McGraw-Hill). She counsels individuals and couples and is a popular public speaker. To learn more and sign up for her free e-newsletter visit http://www.escapingtoxicguilt.com
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